A Gemini's Life

Had a horrible dream last night. I dreamed that Rick and I were both in possession of guns and I had apparently accidentally killed someone with mine, although the act was not part of the dream. In the dream guns were illegal and so we were prosecuted and the sentence was death. Someone came with a giant revolving machine gun while we were sleeping. I was to go first, as my crime was greater. I begged and pleaded to spare our lives. we did not know they were illegal and had been given to us and the death was an unfortunate accident. I was terrified beyond belief as the giant machine gun was pointed directly at me. All she (it was strangely a short older woman with short manly hair) had to do was pull the trigger. She reluctantly acquiesced, but only temporarily. A date was set when we were to die. I tried to find a lawyer to defend us. no one knew what we could do. Meanwhile life went on and we hid this terrible secret of our soon-to-be death. Ironic that the sentence for having a gun would be to die by gun. I wasn't left with any closure by the time I woke up. I don't know if we were cleared or killed. That's typical for dreams. And plus, we don't have closure yet for our current circumstance. The meaning is pretty obvious, given what we are going through. Perhaps the connections are not direct, but the tone and feeling behind it is connected.

I just want closure so I can stop thinking about this and move on.

I changed my appointment to Monday morning for the second ultrasound. The more time goes by, the more pissed off I am. why in the world would EVERYTHING look so perfect and the embryo just not develop?? It just does not make sense to me. I have a billion questions for the doctor and I really want him to be wrong in his diagnosis of a miscarriage- not just so I have a viable pregnancy, but so I can point at him and say, "Ha! You big jerk! You were WRONG!!" Plus, I just don't want to have to go through this all again. We didn't have any embies that were viable to be frozen, so we are literally starting from scratch. Ugh. That means weeks of shots, following complicated med schedules, and the emotional roller coaster of waiting for test results. I can tell you that when i do the blood tests I won't be NEARLY as excited if my numbers are good- clearly it doesn't make that much of a difference.

It actually reminds me of something I used to say to foster parents when they were in the process of adopting a foster child: "The child is not yours until you stand before the judge and your papers are signed." It sounded cruel, and they always reacted with a look of shock. The child, after all had been in their homes for probably a couple years and had grown to be as much a part of the family as a birth child, the case plan was adoption and there seemed to be no blocks in the road. But the reality was always that something could happen- a relative could pop up out of no where, the birth parent could appeal and makes their lives a living hell (and in some cases still actually win after all that drama). The point being- everything can seem to be perfect and something can happen that will ruin EVERYTHING. You set your eyes and heart on a hope and get rooted in that hope and you are crushed.

Bottom line: I am highly disappointed at this outcome. And if the diagnosis is confirmed on Monday I will still be highly disappointed. But I will shake the dust off and continue walking forward. I guess it is time to take my own advise I dish out to others: Keep walking forward, even when it feels like you are standing still.

I am just not really feeling the Christmas spirit yet. I don't understand why, as normally Xmas is my absolute favorite season of the year. Normally, I love decorating my tree and house and getting festive. But my tree stands there staring at me- completely undecorated, and I still procrastinate adorning it with my beautiful ornaments. There are no decorations throughout my house. The lights are not strung on the outside. What the hell is the matter with me? I feel so unmotivated to get into the Christmas spirit...

Has finally hit! It started yesterday- 6 weeks on the dot. So far (knock on wood) it hasn't been totally overwhelming- just enough to make me uncomfortable. No vomiting or complete loss of appetite. It comes and goes throughout the day. I told Rick yesterday and his response was "Congratulations!" Lol. I suppose it is a sort of accomplishment- another sign that things are right on track?! I can't wait to get that reassurance Monday morning by hearing the heartbeat(s)!

Every few days they test my HcG levels to determine if the pregnancy is moving along at a good rate. My levels have been described by my nurse as "Beautiful!" When asked for more details- i.e. does it imply one or two embryos, all she responds is that things are moving along the way they are supposed to be. I will have to be content with that until Monday when we do our first ultrasound!

Friday was my first among a series of blood pregnancy tests. It was positive!! At this point I am cautiously super excited- if that makes sense at all. Trying to remain calm and remind myself that we are ONLY in week 2, while at the same time feeling buzzy excitement. The levels were apparently very good- 124.8. The nurse said that was very strong. My next test is Monday. Crossing my fingers!!!!

Please keep the singing in your head when out in public. I mean, you have a lovely voice and all, but, when i am out shopping I am really not interested in being your audience. Don't get me wrong: I love to belt out my favorite tunes too! But... when I am in my car, or at home. Again, i am not your audience, nor are you a rock star.

This mornings update from the Embryologist was that there now 11 fertilized eggs! They grade the embryos from 1 to 3, 1 being the best. I have 7 eggs at #2 and 4 at #3. When she called, I was in the shower, so I missed the call and she left it as a voice mail. Me being me, I need to know what everything means. all I heard from the voice mail was that we didn't have any #1's. Should I be worried that there are no #1's?? She said everything is fine, but I still felt concerned and a slight panic growing.
My next update will be Wed - the day of transfer. I plan on asking what the Embryologist named the eggs that are to be transferred. :)

What? We're done? Holy cow I made it ~ I am amazing! Oh crap, don't trip when you dismount...

Every year or so, I make goals for myself. Self-improvement goals to start the year off right.. This may sound like a New Year's Resolution, but it's not. If you ask me, New Year's Resolutions are designed to make you feel bad about yourself when you fail. Failure is inevitable, and I accept it as part of my learning process. So I don't need to have a New Year's Resolution to make me feel bad about myself. "Oh, another failed resolution this year...." After a while you would begin to wonder what is the point of doing the tradition of resolutions. besides, I feel that with all the pressure to do one, it dampens the organic process of making self-improvement goals. You are asked by everyone around you, "What is your New Year's Resolution?" (I.e. What are you planning on failing at this year?) But I DO believe in continually improving yourself, whether it is in your work ethics, interpersonal skills, connections to loved ones, personal responsibility... There is constantly room for improvement. And having a goal often keeps you on track and remind you of your quest to be a better person. Statistically (I know it's out there, just don't ask me where, or if you ask me where give me time to find it), a person is much more likely to reach their goal if they make a conscious decision to make it a goal, and even more so if they write it down. So I make goals. Plus, I have always been a rather reflective and introspective person. I guess it just comes naturally to me.


So, every year or so I make goals for myself. It doesn't happen like clockwork. And I may go a couple years without doing it. I reflect upon all the areas of my life and think of attainable ways to improve. I used to categorize each area of my life and write out 3 goals in each area. Now, it has evolved into a much simpler version of that. For example, last year I was realizing that I have a problem with "follow through." I am great at starting a project or getting inspired to start something. But somewhere along the way, it fizzles out. So my goal- or motto- for the year was a simple word: "Thorough." It was my goal to become more thorough in everything I did; at home, at work, etc. I posted the word up in a few key areas and wrote it in big block letters on my desk calendar at work. And although I know I have a lot of room for improvement still, I do feel I made strides. Or, at least, some small steps.


This past spring, well really just after the turn of the year, I started recognizing that I give a lot of other women credit for things I admire in them. I often see an attribute in another woman I admire and wish I were more like them. She always looks so put together, I wish I looked more put together. She's in such great shape, I wish I were better about exercising. She is a great photographer; she always goes to such interesting events; she plans out her menus a month at a time; she is politically involved; she really takes life by the horns; she really follows her goals.... It probably stems from my irrational belief that I am not good enough the way I am. Don't we really all feel that way? But more than just not feeling good enough, there are so many things that I am interested in but do nothing about. There are so many things to see, experiences to be had, and yet somehow I keep myself from doing them. Sure, plenty of excuses can be given, but really the only thing that stops me, is myself. For example, I have always wanted to take a cooking class. Why in the world haven't I done it yet? For crying out loud, I am 34 years old! If I don't do it now, then when? And then it hit me- the light bulb turned on- an epiphany! Why do I waste my time admiring other people* so much? Why don't I just start doing the things I most want to do and become the woman I most admire? 


So I have posted on my computer: "Intentions are not Actions." Intending to take that cooking class, is not actually taking a cooking class. Intending to volunteer as a youth advocate is not actually volunteering. Intending to be involved with my city's council is not being involved with the city council.

So, really, I guess my goal is to stop making excuses and just become the kind of person that I admire. Do the things that interest me. Be involved in the things I want to be involved in. Of course, if I grab life by the horns and start something new in my life, I really need to follow through with it...

One step at a time...



*Let me interject a disclaimer here: It is still good to look up to people and admire people. But only if they serve as an inspiration to you, not if it makes you feel not good enough. 

Business: I feel I have definitely become accustomed to my new role as a work-from-home-with-my-spouse Realtor/Investor/Project Manager/Office Manager/Sidekick-Sally. Accustom, but not yet fully proficient. I still have a ways to go in my organization. I like to have a streamlined process to be filly efficient. Anyone who has worked with me in the past, knows that I love organization. You have no idea how much pleasure it brings me to make checklists and flow-charts. And this extends into all areas of my life- I get tickled pink when my cupboards are in order and all the cans are in neat rows facing forward. That's not to say I am always thoroughly organized. But it is definitely a continual goal. When things are in order, my soul feels at ease. But I digress... With our business I am at a stage where the picture of my role is becoming clearer, the fog is lifting and the puzzle pieces are being put in place. NOW I get to figure out how to make sure that the ship ruins smoothly. And, being that both of us work from  home, that includes making sure our relationship runs smoothly. I'll be honest here- it was a little difficult at first working and living 24/7 with my husband. Not so much because of him, but because I definitely need my alone time. I have to have time separate from him. When I worked outside the home I took it for granted because, although we did communicate throughout the day, I spent nine to ten hours of my day apart from him and our life together. I spent my time worrying about other people's problems. Now I am with ours full-time. I have had to learn a new balance. Whereas before I needed to find ways to do more things together and maintain a connection, now I have to find ways to maintain a connection to ME. It's not healthy to become enmeshed, and that can happen very easily in our situation. But I am learning, and it will only make us stronger.

Our Puppies: Mondo is growing HUGE! He is as tall as Oscar (our boxer) now, but lighter as he has a narrower frame. However, with all his fluffy hair he looks just as big. Did I mention he is only about 7 months old?? He's gonna be a big boy, for sure! He is definitely energetic. The only issues we have had with him have been due to his age. He is super active and if he doesn't get enough exercise then he has a tendency to get into trouble. There have been a couple times that I have come home to find that he knocked down a gate and rampaged through the house like a maddog. What is it with puppies and trash? Geesh, they love it! He does have a tendency to bark a lot right now. I am trying to correct that behavior. I can't stand it when dogs are big barkers and try really hard to ensure that my dogs are polite. I reprimand him when I can for the barking. The problem is, reprimanding is only effective if you catch them in the act, and sometimes by the time I am able to pop my head out a window or get myself outside, he has already stopped. One other thing I am currently concerned about with him is, I think he is getting too attached. We are home constantly now that we both work from home. While that is good on the one hand- we are able to devote so much more time and energy into training him- on the other hand he goes berserk when we leave for a while. Despite those minor issues, Mondo is an excellent. He is very, very affectionate and loves to give hugs and cuddle. I call him our big, walking teddy bear. The other dogs are doing great. I have arranged Sydney's little kennel in such a way that he can get into it and have his own separate area, away from the big dogs, while still having access to the common area and outside. He loves it. It's not the most aesthetically pleasing arrangement, but it works and I will take it down when we have company. Oscar has been fabulous and has discovered a new love of swimming!! This is fantastic because he never really cared for the water and avoided it at all cost. But now, with Mondo being a natural water dog, we can exercise both of them in the pool. Everyday we spend 30 minutes to an hour throwing tennis balls into the deep end and both big dogs swim fetch them. It's fantastic! Oscar, who was previously freaked out by the pool, loves it. He swims around with the ball before coming out of the water, and brings you the ball when he is ready for you to throw it again. Seriously- this is like a small miracle! He has a huge grin on his face and he is getting exercise. I absolutely love seeing all my dogs so happy.

Gluten free diet: It seemed like an answer to a few of my health problems. And I really tried it for a while. I went to the store and bought a bunch of gluten free stuff. And then I needed bread crumbs to make meatloaf... I stopped at 3 separate stores and no one had it. So I made my meatloaf with regular bread crumbs, thinking I was allowing myself to cheat just this once... As if. My gluten free diet lasted on and off for a total of two and a half weeks. Ture to form, it was too much of a commitment, so I quit.

Hair-free heaven: Truly is a level of heaven. I've had 2 or 3 treatments of laser hair removal and am loving it! Tomorrow I go in for another treatment. God bless the invention of the laser hair remover!!! 


We went to Vegas for Rick's birthday. We hadn't been to Vegas since our wedding over 3 years ago! It was a ton of fun! A few of our friends were going as well so it was nice to catch up with a couple that we hadn't seen in a while. We went a little earlier than our friends so we had some time you ourselves. We did some gambling together- blackjack is our game- and had fun just hanging out together. Friday night our friends Brent and Necole rolled into town. They were in town with the rest of her family for her sister's 21st birthday. So we went out with them that night and had a GREAT time. Saturday our friends Chad and Aubry rolled into town. We saw them a little that day and caught up with them Sunday. Saturday night Rick and I went to see Chelsea Handler at the Colosseum at Caesar's Palace. I am bummed to say that I was a little disappointed with her. To bring with, I wasn't feeling so great (I ended up getting sick that weekend, which lasted almost 2 weeks). I normally love Chelsea, adore her really. But she was so wasted by the time she got on stage that she just wasn't that funny. She would start laughing at her own jokes before she finished it. She would go on and on about one subject well past the point of being funny. About 30 minutes into her set she calmed down a bit and was funny. Overall though, one thumb down. Sunday night we went to see Le Reve with Chad and Aubry... well, kind of with them: we had seats on the opposite side. It was fantastic!! I would totally recommend it to anyone. It's kind of like Cirque du Soliel, but with water! Gorgeous! Overall, the entire weekend was a blast and Rick had a great birthday.


Whew! That's a lot of writing! I think that's enough for now. Next update will be on the pursuit of pregnancy...

.  .

I recently received a lovely message from a lady that I have never actually met. I have a friend who blogs, and her mother messaged me, telling me how much she enjoyed reading my blog. It was such a random surprise and put a huge smile on my face. So, thank you to Donna, for inspiring me to continue to write....

So my latest fad is to try a gluten-free diet. When in Seattle the other weekend I had a couple conversations with Amy's sister who is on a gluten-free diet. It's not a weight-loss thing. More of a overall health thing. Julie described to me the effects that gluten, which is a protein found in wheat and many grains. Some people are legitimately allergic to gluten or have Celiac's Disease. You need a blood test to determine this. I have not had said blood test and have no idea whether or not my body reacts to gluten. However, many of the symptoms of gluten intolerance are issues that I deal with. Of the following symptoms listed on ezinearticles.com, I have all but the second half of #2 and #10:
1. Stomach Cramping
2. Nausea and vomiting
3. Diarrhea
4. Constipation
5. Gas
6. Acid reflux
7. Fatigue
8. Joint Pain
9. Infertility
10. Ulcers

Today I started my first treatments for laser hair removal today. SOOO excited!! For those who know me well, know that bodily hair has been my nemesis since my body first started sprouting it. I used to call shaving a curse from the devil, right along with periods and child-birth. I can't think of much more that I hate as passionately and vehemently than body hair and having to shave. My underarms will be the first to go. No more brutal, torturous shaving. No more ingrown hairs. No mores nicks and cuts. Hallelujah!

I had to add this to My Favorite Things because it is sooo adorable.

 Mondo's favorite new game is digging holes when the sprinklers have made everything wet and muddy. Yay!

First day as a house flipper today. Nothing major. Just went to pick out some carpet and order a dishwasher. But I got to actually DO SOMETHING, which felt good. And it'll feel that much better when I am finally licensed and working full-time.

Sick to my stomach. This anxiety that builds up in me. Fear of failure. Fear of mediocrity. Fear of average. Fear of being a loser. Fear of sucking. I suck. I suck. I suck. That's what goes through my brain. There's this little voice- no, not an audible voice- that tells me when I do something wrong and how I did it wrong and why I suck. Then in my fear of sucking, I retreat into myself. It doesn't propel me forward to conquer, like it does for some people. No, I withdraw. If I interact less, I will piss people off less. If I do less, I will fail less. Then I won't suck. Only, it sucks to not do anything but lay around and watch TV, and that makes me suck. Then, once the fear of sucking is fully established, comes the paranoia that people will actually realize that I suck. I can't fool them anymore. God, that sucks! They see my mistakes. They know that I fail at everything. They know that I'm a loser. They definitely know that I suck. Being fully established in suckdom and paranoia-world, molehills become mountains. Snowballs become avalanches. Small tasks become completely overwhelming. I overreact to everything because I have become over-sensitive to everything said to me. Everything is an insult. Everyone knows I suck. I suck.

This is my spiral. I'll pull through and return to normal me. It only happens once every few years and I somehow get slapped back into reality. The reality that I actually kick ass. I'll get back there...

It's official! I am no longer working for the man. Well, unless you count Rick. ;)

During my last week at AzCA, I went through all kinds of emotions. It was difficult to let go of some of my foster families. Having spent so much time with them in their homes, battling CPS with them, advocating for their needs and rights, you develop a strong bond. I became protective over them. I know what they can handle in terms of childrens behaviors, what their strengths and needs are. I learned over time how to address issues and concerns I have about their home. I know how they will best take information they don't want to hear. I have gained their trust and they have come to depend on me. And now I have had to severe those ties and pass them on to other workers. The protective part in me is freaked out that they will not be understood like I have understood them. Or that they won't be advocated for in the way they need. I have had to deal with let go of that sense of protectiveness and control this past week. It's not so easy to do. I can't imagine what it is like when parents give it up for their children. Geesh.

I have also dealt with the hurt that comes with my leaving being completely ignored by some people in that office. It is not a secret that I have not gotten along with a couple people there. But, really? Completely ignoring me on my last week? Not even saying a quick Heyheardyouwereleavinggoodluck?? That's just cold. By mid-week I was feeling hurt- and it brought up past hurt. But by Friday I didn't give a shit anymore. I can't say that all thew past hurt is something I have totally let go of. I will probably always hold it against those bitches. I was surprised that some of them came to my going away lunch. But it is funny that they still didn't say anything to me or acknowledge that the lunch was actually for me. Bitches.

Anyways. I have registered for my classes and am eager to start this new endeavor! Now i just need for the roommate to get his ass out of my home so I can have a real office and not work fromt he dining room table! :P

Official reason: the business is growing and Rick needs my help. I will be attending classes to obtain my real estate license as soon as I am done. Classes will be 3 weeks (maybe a little more) and then I take my test and get my license. at that point I will be officially working for MacDonald Investments LLC, our business we started a little over a year ago. MacDonald Investments is a real estate investment company- basically we flip houses. Buy them cheap, fix them up, sell them for a profit. But another part of it is being an actual agent- bringing buyers to look for houses, negotiating contracts, listing seller's homes, negotiating contracts, etc. This is one of the part that I think I will be great at. The other part I know I will be great at, is the creative aspect of flipping houses. Paints colors, tiles, cabinets styles, which wall needs to be moved where. I will finally be in a career that I can really utilize my creative side! Plus there will be a million smaller, more boring details that i will help with on a day to day basis. All in all, with the variety of work, incredible flexibility of schedule, and challenge of new work i will have a TON of fun!

Another reason: Although I have loved my work, I have not loved the office politics. I have truly enjoyed working with foster parents and having been there for a while, I am very well versed in Child Protective Services and love helping the foster parents navigate this underworld. I have become a REALLY good advocate for them. I am not always good with deadlines, but I do kick-ass work. But my work has been severely overlooked. When I first started I volunteered for extra projects left and right. And my previous jobs gave me incredible experience- experience above and beyond the projects i volunteered for at the current job. And I felt appreciated and valued as an employee under my first supervisor at Arizona's Children Association. However, with the succeeding supervisor, everything changed. Office politics became nasty. There were some who didn't like me in the office and used the new supervisor's lack of confidence (brand new, plus I competed with him for that very job) to take me down. (Boy, that sounds dramatic doesn't it?) So, this new supervisor, who I once considered my friend, betrayed what I thought was friendship and permanently affected my standing in the company. I know it all sounds like a soap opera- it kind of was, actually- and I do not deny that there was some blame on my part. I have a strong personality and can rub some people the wrong way. But the way it was all handled effected me so deeply; I was hurt so profoundly. I second-guessed every relationship around me, truly felt like everyone secretly hated me, and was very depressed for quite some time. It's like it tore a hole in my heart that has only recently begun to heal. I had actual hatred in my heart towards him. Because of the way he so poorly handled it, I spent two more years sucking up and kissing ass to the very people who put me in this position. I had to- because if I wasn't uber-helpful/cheerful/friendly towards them, I got Letters of Concern from HR. Despite the fact that they were rude bitches to me on a daily basis... I was bitter and beyond angry and every time I spoke about poison spewed out of my lips. I wanted desperately to quit then. But not being able to find a job, and plain old pride kept me there. So now, finally, when I have started to get over the pain, the opportunity for me to leave has come. Funny how that happens isn't it? Maybe there was a life lesson in there somewhere... I will ponder that one for years to come, I am sure.

Another reason: Sometimes I would get plain old burned out. Really. There is only so many stories of child abuse that one person can hear before they become hardened to it and it no longer effects them emotionally. Probably there actually. I am sure that someone who has not been in this field for a while would think that I am cold and callus for not reacting when I hear certain stories. It is a difficult phenomenon to explain. It's not that you loose the ability to recognize that something isn't horrific. It's more like, you get better at cutting yourself off from those emotions, because if you don't you will go crazy. I would also get burned out at dealing some foster parents. With some people, it seemed that no matter how much you tried to guide them, they simply could not grow beyond the simplistic view that love will heal all the children's wounds. It is simply not the case. They need love- YES! But they need so, so, so much more than that. And those foster parents would give up on the child, only furthering the wound! Aggravating!

Yet another reason: the most recent debacle that has hit our office. An employee, who only 3 months prior was employed by the agency and by our program, made terribly exaggerated and false accusations against everyone in this office- to the PRESIDENT AND CEO! Oh gawd. She claimed we were all a horrible bunch of people- unprofessional, degrading to each other and everyone we came in contact with, we were all fraudulent and lied on legal documents,  and NONE of us EVER did our jobs. So, instead of doing some fact checking, the most senior HR lady the company has, came into our office and basically carpet bombed the place. Remember Bush Sr's war in Kuwait? Remember the term he used: "shock and awe"? that was his plan in Kuwait- we will shock and awe them with our military prowess and they will be defeated before they even knew what hit them... Well, that's what Rebecca Hill did to our office. Came in on a Thursday, interviewed the two supervisors and sent them home. She then proceeded to "interview" every person in the office over the next two days. I use the term "interview" loosely, of course. I don't think that HR should ever make people actually cry. In my understanding, Hr should at least pretend to be on the people's side. Win them over with gentle cooing and gingerly coax information out of them. HR has a reputation of being bland for a reason- think of Toby from The Office. And you would really think that a Senior-most HR manager would have ameliorated some mad skills in this arena. I am "shocked" and "awed" and the aggressive, accusatory, and overall amateur way that she dealt with all of it. I'm not kidding when I say that she made people cry. Nice people. Sweet-natured people.See, if Recebba Hill had done her research before she began her campaign, she would have found out that Regina Morgana has a hsitory of accusing people of things. She has, on four separate occasions, sued people for harrassement. Clearly there is something psychotic in this bnehavior. Clearly she is someone who "goes looking for it." ..........

Well, in any case. I think this has finally out me over the edge. There is too much of a history of lack-of-justice. And I am exceptionally fortunate that I am in a position to be able to leave when I have finally had enough.

And so, my change in career path. Despite all my various reasons for resigning and changing career directions, this has not come about without some serious soul searching. All my experience is related to social services. I graduated college determined to get my Masters in Counseling, and then my Psy.D. I went home to Minnesota over Thanksgiving and saw some friends I graduated college with, who had actually continued on that path and accomplished all the dreams I once had. It was hard for me- I felt like a cop-out and a slight failure. I started second guessing all our discussions about me working full-time for MacDonald Investments. Sigh. I think there will always be a part of me that will regret not going down that same path. However, a very wise woman (i.e. my dear mother) reminded me that, just because I may change career paths, does not mean I would stop making a difference in people's lives in my own way. That was like a light bulb for me! I can make money and do good!

So I am making the leap!

I love throwing party's. Give me an excuse and I will whip up food and drinks and music and mayhem! I love when people who have never met are introduced and become friends as a result of one of my party's. I love being a good hostess- which is definitely a craft! It isn't easy making sure food gets done, making sure you have enough beverages and supplies for an uncertain amount of people, making sure every person is having a good time and not feeling left out of anything, making sure the music is conducive to a merry mood... and doing it all while making it look effortless.

But I will be temporarily retiring from hostessing. My trust has been gravely broken.  At my most recent party (a massive success according to the above criteria) I had something stolen from me. It wasn't a large item, and relatively speaking not of significant value. It was a gift from someone I love dearly. Someone that I had trusted to come into my home took something from me that someone i love dearly took the time to choose for me as a gift because they wanted to make me happy. I feel so violated and distraught over it that I am taking off my hostess hat for a while.

P.S. I hope to god that I just lost it and it shows up somewhere. I hate the anxiety of not knowing if one of my friends would do something like that. It's horrible.

... if you are going to buy bean sprouts, use them right away. Ew.

Day 1 of the special tea formulated by the Chinese Herbalist:
I think to myself, okay you can do this. How bad can it be?

I boil the 4 cups of water and add the rather large bag of what appears to be twigs and slices of branches, and shells...
Directions say to boil on low for one hour, so I return to the scrapbooking project I was working on.
I notice the air filling with the scent of... China?
After the hour of boiling I pour the remaining liquid into a mug and quickly realize I seriously need to filter this as little leaves and twigs are plopping into the mug along with the tea.
And speaking of "tea"... I have drunk a lot of tea in my life. This was no tea. More like murky coffee... or Chinese mud.
Mud, Gena? Quit exaggerating. It's tea...
So I filter my tea and return to the scrapbooking. What's nicer on a Sunday evening than a fun project and a cup of tea?
I take my first sip. Well, that's different. Take another, larger drink. Eehh. God. I'm supposed to drink this shit???
I decide to put it down. Maybe it just needs to cool down a bit.
Um, yeah, you guessed it. It got worse.

So, lesson learned. This tea is not for sipping. You need to plug your nose and gulp the shit out of this tea. Which is what I did the following nights.
Boil,
filter,
cool,
gulp.

Sunday I went with some friends for Dim Sum at the Phoenix Chinese Cultural Center. I love Dim Sum. The carts rolled around, each with different delights. They should rename it Yum Yum.

Having never visited the Cultural Center before, we strolled the grounds. Fascinating architecture replicating real pagodas and statues. Reminded me of being in China. And then we enter the Chinese Herbal Shop. If the pagoda replicas reminded me a China, this transported me there. It was the smell! China has this indescribable smell. If you really want to know - go to the Herbal Shop.


Jokingly, I ponder aloud to my friends, I wonder if they have any baby-making herbs? Before I know it I am being ushered into a back room to visit the Herbalist. The herbalist feels your pulse, gently and slightly moving his fingertips around, feeling for your veins. Right hand. Looking intently at nothing, focusing of the feel of your pulse. Left hand. He writes things on a pad of paper in Chinese. You have very low Chi, he says, heavily accented. I look around. Diagram of acupuncture. I look at your eye lids. I look back towards him and he gently lowers my eye lids and peers at my eyes. Ponders some more, writes on the pad. Tongue. I stick out my tongue. He peers.  Ponders, writes. What startles me is he asks me about things in my body I did not tell him before. I sleep poorly. I get constipated.  My heart gets irregular beats. Your Chi very low. Weak pulse. Weak kidney. Make these right and it will effect the other areas. Okay. Makes sense. I believe in the power of Chi.

The Herbalist writes a "prescription" and his assistants prepare it up front. There's an entire wall of herbs. Herbs in drawers, herbs in jars. All have Chinese labels so there's no telling what they are giving me. All I know is i will prepare a tea from what they give me. They pull out what looks to me like sticks and rocks and shells and dried roots. Woody and earthy smelling. I am relieved they did not use the dried seahorses I saw in a jar. Five different pouches of about 15 different ingredients. It's not like the little flowers in neat little tea bags. These are put in big plastic bags. I will end up boiling the bag of goodies in a honest to goodness pot with a lid. The shop keeper and I go over the directions several times. I am not usually scared by language barriers, but I am a little scared now because this tea is scary looking and I don't know what the consequences will be if i get this wrong. I take my woody tea and step outside of the Chinese Herbal Shop, breathing in deeply, returning to Phoenix.

Here's hoping my Chi improves!