Numb Until Monday
9:06 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
I changed my appointment to Monday morning for the second ultrasound. The more time goes by, the more pissed off I am. why in the world would EVERYTHING look so perfect and the embryo just not develop?? It just does not make sense to me. I have a billion questions for the doctor and I really want him to be wrong in his diagnosis of a miscarriage- not just so I have a viable pregnancy, but so I can point at him and say, "Ha! You big jerk! You were WRONG!!" Plus, I just don't want to have to go through this all again. We didn't have any embies that were viable to be frozen, so we are literally starting from scratch. Ugh. That means weeks of shots, following complicated med schedules, and the emotional roller coaster of waiting for test results. I can tell you that when i do the blood tests I won't be NEARLY as excited if my numbers are good- clearly it doesn't make that much of a difference.
It actually reminds me of something I used to say to foster parents when they were in the process of adopting a foster child: "The child is not yours until you stand before the judge and your papers are signed." It sounded cruel, and they always reacted with a look of shock. The child, after all had been in their homes for probably a couple years and had grown to be as much a part of the family as a birth child, the case plan was adoption and there seemed to be no blocks in the road. But the reality was always that something could happen- a relative could pop up out of no where, the birth parent could appeal and makes their lives a living hell (and in some cases still actually win after all that drama). The point being- everything can seem to be perfect and something can happen that will ruin EVERYTHING. You set your eyes and heart on a hope and get rooted in that hope and you are crushed.
Bottom line: I am highly disappointed at this outcome. And if the diagnosis is confirmed on Monday I will still be highly disappointed. But I will shake the dust off and continue walking forward. I guess it is time to take my own advise I dish out to others: Keep walking forward, even when it feels like you are standing still.
It actually reminds me of something I used to say to foster parents when they were in the process of adopting a foster child: "The child is not yours until you stand before the judge and your papers are signed." It sounded cruel, and they always reacted with a look of shock. The child, after all had been in their homes for probably a couple years and had grown to be as much a part of the family as a birth child, the case plan was adoption and there seemed to be no blocks in the road. But the reality was always that something could happen- a relative could pop up out of no where, the birth parent could appeal and makes their lives a living hell (and in some cases still actually win after all that drama). The point being- everything can seem to be perfect and something can happen that will ruin EVERYTHING. You set your eyes and heart on a hope and get rooted in that hope and you are crushed.
Bottom line: I am highly disappointed at this outcome. And if the diagnosis is confirmed on Monday I will still be highly disappointed. But I will shake the dust off and continue walking forward. I guess it is time to take my own advise I dish out to others: Keep walking forward, even when it feels like you are standing still.
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