At what point do you decide?

6:42 PM Edit This 4 Comments »
Cashus is our 12 year old black lab.
He is a beautiful dog,
and the perpetual gentleman.
He is sweet-natured, never a complainer, and a good sport.
He is a big dog too. Over 100 pounds.

Cashus took a fall.
Rick and I took Cashus and our other dog, Oscar,
for a walk on Sunday. Before we even started
I noticed that Cashus was having a difficult time.
His legs weren’t quite straight-
like he was squatting.
With age his back has become swayed,
like he has been carrying a heavy weight on his back for the past decade.
His hips moved stiffly as we started. But his tail was wagging
and his eyes were excited to be out in the neighborhood.
And his hips loosened up after a little while.

We reached our destination and on our way back
Cashus started moving a bit slower again.
Two blocks from the house, his back legs gave out under him
in the middle of crossing a road.
Rick dropped everything
and picked him up,
as he could not push himself up, try as he might.
We walk even more slowly,
me and Oscar behind Rick and Cashus.
His hips wobble as he walks.

Crossing the road, mere steps from our house,
he does it again.
He is determined to keep walking
and is practically dragging his rear along with him.
Rick, forgetting his bad back, carries Cashus the rest of the way.

The next morning he does it again in the back yard.

He is having a very difficult time standing on his own.
We lift him when he wants to move places.
We give him more pain medication.
He does not allow us to massage his hips.
We are hoping he rests and is better tomorrow.
Or the next day…

At what point do you make that choice to relieve their suffering?
How do you decide?
They can’t communicate with you. They can’t tell you
that it’s too painful
or they have lost their joy for living.

You come to know your pet over the years,
like a family member. You learn to communicate with them,
and you learn to interpret their expressions and nudges.
Like a sibling or a child or a parent,
you learn to talk without talking.
But still, they are dogs.
And they cannot tell you where or how bad the pain is.
You have to guess at their pain.
But they don’t express pain like us wimpy humans. We cry at every little ache.
They don’t start whimpering or whining
until it is extreme.

And what if you decide too early?
They life would be cut off too soon and that’s one less day, one less week, one less month, one less year you spend with them.
And what if you decide too late?
And because they cannot communicate with you and you never know exactly how they are doing, you prolong the decision.
And because you were selfish and wanted to keep them with you, they suffered more than they should have.
At what point do you decide??

Mick Jagger

8:45 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Last night I dreamed about Mick Jagger. I dreamed I met him and was trying to convince him that I grew up listening to the Stones as a young child. And yet, I could not remember any tunes.

my poor little Sydney

9:15 PM Edit This 1 Comment »
I have been a neglectful doggie-mommy. Poor little Sydney was not brought in to the groomer's in quite some time and as a result, when I brought him in this morning, I was told his hair would be cut QUITE short. Blade #9 on the shears short. AND it would take the full 3 hours. So this is the result...


Ooo... Where did you get that fetus key chain??

8:26 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Okay, I will warn you. This is going to be odd. But let me explain myself first!

I wanted to add a picture to my last post and thought of finding a picture of a fetus floating in the womb. You know, something very Discovery Channel-ish.

Granted, there were a few beautiful pictures of fetuses. But I thought these provoked much more... oh I don't even know the word to add here...

Let me just show you.




This is apparently a creative way to make cookies for the soon-to-be big brother or big sister! I just don't know how much it will really explain to them how a baby is growing in mommy's belly.




Perhaps a fetus doll will help!





Or maybe a key chain that shows the fetus inside mommy's belly. Little kid's love key chains...

Some people just have way too much time on their hands. Or maybe that's just me...

RE's office

8:07 PM Edit This 1 Comment »
Walking into the Reproductive Endocrinologist’s office was a little daunting.

A woman was walking out as we went in. I normally look people in the eyes as I pass them. Another couple came in when we were in the waiting room. I don't look them in the eye.

It’s a strange thing. I mean, normally you go into a doctor’s office and there us relative anonymity.

Even at a gyno’s office.

Not here.

Everyone knows why you are there.

Everyone knows that you cannot conceive.

It’s like this shameful club. Your secret is out. You can hide the fact all you want from the rest of the world.

“No children yet. Someday…”

“No, we haven’t had any kid’s yet. We’ve only been married for two years…”

But you cannot hide the secret here.

And you don’t know what to expect when you enter the doors:
Will this become one of my biggest triumphs to date?
Or one of my biggest heartbreaks?

And you don’t look the other people in the eye. Do you look at them with a secret knowing? You know that you don’t want to be met with eyes filled with pity.

I Know a Woman Like That...

10:55 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
This evening I went with a couple girlfriends to the Phoenix Film Festival. We saw the movie produced by Virginia Madsen and directed by her mother Elaine. It was a documentary about women, strong women, vibrant women, women full of life. It was a documentary about old women.

They women portrayed were phenomenal- all beautiful, with eyes full of wisdom. Eyes that say "I know the secret... And I know you have to experience it for yourself." These were spunky, spitfires like Eartha Kitt and Lauren Hutton, who says she is "just lookin' for a little trouble" with a twinkle in her eye. They were athletes: water skiing champions (currently, that is) at the age of 95... NINETY FIVE! Yoga instructors and ballroom dancers. And let me say- not a ballroom dancers in the sense that she moved slow or couldn't get kicks quite as high as she used to- this woman was phenomenal and had better legs than I think I ever have... They were social activists who paved the path for us younger women. The were mayors of cities, restrauntuers, singers, actresses, poets, writers and painters. They were passionate about their interests, intelligent, constantly learning new things, lovers of life and lovers of sex! Every one of these women embrace their age and embrace their wrinkles. They earned the lines on their faces and each one tells a story.

These women are who I want to be- not just when I am 88, but now! I want to get to that age and not just not regret letting things hold me back, but to still be looking forward and still accomplishing all that life has to offer me. I want to get to that age and still love the life I have and still want more.





Pictures from the Q&A afterward, where Virginia and her mother Elaine answered questions from the audience.

ovulation circles

4:36 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
So I got the official news today that 100mg of Clomid does not make me ovulate.

No kidding.

I am so tired of running in ovulation circles. Four rounds of Clomid + A year and a half of trying to conceive = No results, and what is worse, No Answers.

I finally scheduled an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I have to be honest- I am not excited for this. I should be... this is their specialty! If anyone can get me pregnant, an RE can, right?

But the ever present cloud that hangs over my head isn't clearing up. There is still the depressive worry/anxiety: What if this takes FOREVER only to find that I simply can't ever get pregnant?

I was washing the dishes several nights back and I felt the fear. I can say it actually gripped my heart. What if I never become pregnant? What if I never become a mother? What if I never get to experience the joys and frustrations of pregnancy? What if I never get to see my belly grow and feel the flutters of a baby growing inside me?

What if we end up one of those childless couples, growing old together, but never having the fulfillment of raising the next generation?

So I stopped feeling. I stopped feeling the worry. I stopped feeling the excitement. I stopped feeling my heart get all mushy when I see an adorable child. I stopped feeling sad when I pass a daycare and all the mommy's and daddy's are picking their kiddo's up for the evening. It is easier to not feel it.

So we shall see what this next doctor will say. What tests they will give me. What drugs they will give me. We shall see what results.