A Gemini's Life

I have never had this encounter before and I am left feeling a bit disturbed. Okay, as women, we have all had experiences where some old man left us feeling a bit dirty and repulsed by his inappropriate sexualized behavior. (Right? Please tell me I am not the only one...) But I never thought it would happen to my foot...



So I am at Whole Foods Market with the original intent to pick up some Mega Greens to put in my smoothies in the morning. They are great! More than a daily serving of all the vitamins, nutrients, minerals, etc. that your body could ever want! But I digress... Well, true to Gena fashion, I stroll over here and pick up this, then stroll over there and pick up that... finally stopping at their beautiful Burt's Bees display. I love Burt's Bees. And they have this Pomegranate shampoo that is so yummy. It's on the bottom shelf, so I squat down, kind of half resting on my foot. I hear something fall to the ground behind me and I don't pay any attention because I am smelling the pomegranate shampoo. Then I feel. Did someone just caress my heel? I turn around and there's is this older man- mid to late 50's- pretending to pick up what he had dropped on the floor. Okay. Maybe it was a fluke. It did fall pretty close to my shoe, which is a sling-back wedge so my heel is sticking out as I squat down. And it could have been a fluke that his hand grazed my heel as he picks up his item. Except that it was a solitary finger that stroked the bottom of my heel... as in, part way into the shoe... Poor foot. It feels so dirty and cheap. It's going to go shower now...



And to top it off I ended up paying $90 for a small bag of items. Damned Whole Foods! You get me every time!!

I haven't posted in a few weeks, so to get myself back on the writing track I am posting one of my favorite quotes.

"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch... to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!"
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

This is from the Tao Te Ching:

Fill your bowl to the brim
and it will spill.
Keep sharpening your knife
and it will blunt.
Chase after money and security
and your heart will never unclench.
Care about people's approval
and you will be their prisoner.

Do your work, then step back.
The only path to serenity.

I honestly can't believe I am sitting down to write on my blog after I just drove 12 hours and god knows how many miles. In Amarillo right now, on my way to Minnesota.

I remember being 20 years old and driving down to Florida with 3 girlfriends, We drove straight through- 24 hours to our destination and by the time we arrived we were rearing to go! Not so anymore!! After 12 hours of driving I am so sore- my back is sore, my hips are sore, my neck is a mess and my bowels are totally fucked up. That is the difference of 13 years!!

Going to bed now so I can get some rest for my 9 hour drive tomorrow!

He is doing a lot better!!
He is still stiff and has difficulty getting up from the tile floors- he tends to slip, so we pick his rear end up. Don't want another avoidable fall. His tail is wagging and he is super happy all the time.
So the "decision" will be postponed for a little bit...

I did this on Facebook. I thought it was cool, so I added it here...

1. I am the queen of procrastination. My life has been on the brink of disaster numerous times as a direct result of procrastinating something. "Why do it today when you can do it tomorrow" is not a good motto to live by.

2. I am so amazed with my husband's unconditional love for me. He is the best person ever for me! We knew each other in high school. Years later, when we were reconnected, I knew that I would marry him from the moment we started talking again.

3. I can't dance to rock music. I don't have a strong enough internal rhythm- I need something more like hip-hop to really shake my tail feather.

4. My greatest hero will always be my mother.

5. I am intensely loyal to very few people in this world. But for these people, I would walk through fire.

6. Despite my confident facade, I typically do not feel that I am ever good enough.

7. I am full of contradictions. I blame this on being a Gemini. I can argue something passionately one minute and tell someone something different the next minute. Some people think this is flaky. It's really not- I just can really identify with all points of view. And I tend to be very passionate.

8. I am often misinterpreted. In fact, it has been a common theme throughout my life.

9. I often feel like people only pretend to like me and that they secretly can’t stand me.

10. Despite numbers 6 through 9, I really like myself. Despite really liking myself, it does not stop me from feeling that way.

11. My favorite breakfast food is oatmeal. It has been oatmeal since I was a little girl.

12. My Opa (grandfather) once told me, when I hadn't visited in quite some time, that one day he will not be around and that I will regret not having seen him more often. I felt very angry with him at that moment. But he was right...

13. I deeply regret not having gone to graduate school directly after undergrad. I am worried that life will pass me by and I will never have gone back.

14. I often feel like I should have accomplished much more by my age, travelled more, learned more, done more, made a bigger impact...

15. I always had a secret desire to be a go-go dancer. (It is supposed to be random…)

16. I absolutely adore hanging out in bed all day (get out of here dirty minds!!). I love the coziness of it- especially on a rainy day with a sappy movie to watch.

17. I watch way too much TV and don’t get out and exercise nearly enough.

18. I went to college to become a pastor. I know! My friends now probably have no idea about that. Some of my old friends probably think I’ve lost salvation. But I switched my major from Pastoral Studies to Psychology after I interned in a church. I decided I just couldn’t live my life inside a church. I just cannot make myself conform to one ideology when there are so many questions roaming around in my head. Needless to say, since then my beliefs have changed and expanded quite a bit.

19. I think I may have been a cat in a past life. I can take a nap just about anywhere. I can take 20 naps in a day and still go to bed at night.

20. I have zero patience for outright stupidity and hypocrisy.

21. I have the tendency to use way too many exclamation points!!!!

22. I almost died in a car accident. It has had the single most impact on my life and how I live it. I leave the giant scar across my forehead as a reminder to do my best to live genuinely and authentically and without ever feeling guilty for following my instinct. No matter what anyone else says. I leave it to remind myself to not live my life according to someone else’s rules.

23. When I go back to visit Minnesota, I definitely feel like I am visiting. It feels like a place I used to live…

24. When I was in first grade I hid a bologna sandwich under my bed. I thought I was doing a really good thing. You see, if something were to happen, like being snowed in the house for weeks, which could happen you know, well then I could have a stash of food so that we wouldn’t starve! My dad found that bologna sandwich, after I had long forgotten about it, because it stunk so badly. Odd little girl….

25. I used to have horses as a child and I miss it terribly. I didn’t even think about it for years, but within the last couple years I have been craving to go riding again. I keep pestering Rick to buy me a horse. I think he will give in one of these days… Right honey?!?

Cashus is our 12 year old black lab.
He is a beautiful dog,
and the perpetual gentleman.
He is sweet-natured, never a complainer, and a good sport.
He is a big dog too. Over 100 pounds.

Cashus took a fall.
Rick and I took Cashus and our other dog, Oscar,
for a walk on Sunday. Before we even started
I noticed that Cashus was having a difficult time.
His legs weren’t quite straight-
like he was squatting.
With age his back has become swayed,
like he has been carrying a heavy weight on his back for the past decade.
His hips moved stiffly as we started. But his tail was wagging
and his eyes were excited to be out in the neighborhood.
And his hips loosened up after a little while.

We reached our destination and on our way back
Cashus started moving a bit slower again.
Two blocks from the house, his back legs gave out under him
in the middle of crossing a road.
Rick dropped everything
and picked him up,
as he could not push himself up, try as he might.
We walk even more slowly,
me and Oscar behind Rick and Cashus.
His hips wobble as he walks.

Crossing the road, mere steps from our house,
he does it again.
He is determined to keep walking
and is practically dragging his rear along with him.
Rick, forgetting his bad back, carries Cashus the rest of the way.

The next morning he does it again in the back yard.

He is having a very difficult time standing on his own.
We lift him when he wants to move places.
We give him more pain medication.
He does not allow us to massage his hips.
We are hoping he rests and is better tomorrow.
Or the next day…

At what point do you make that choice to relieve their suffering?
How do you decide?
They can’t communicate with you. They can’t tell you
that it’s too painful
or they have lost their joy for living.

You come to know your pet over the years,
like a family member. You learn to communicate with them,
and you learn to interpret their expressions and nudges.
Like a sibling or a child or a parent,
you learn to talk without talking.
But still, they are dogs.
And they cannot tell you where or how bad the pain is.
You have to guess at their pain.
But they don’t express pain like us wimpy humans. We cry at every little ache.
They don’t start whimpering or whining
until it is extreme.

And what if you decide too early?
They life would be cut off too soon and that’s one less day, one less week, one less month, one less year you spend with them.
And what if you decide too late?
And because they cannot communicate with you and you never know exactly how they are doing, you prolong the decision.
And because you were selfish and wanted to keep them with you, they suffered more than they should have.
At what point do you decide??

Last night I dreamed about Mick Jagger. I dreamed I met him and was trying to convince him that I grew up listening to the Stones as a young child. And yet, I could not remember any tunes.

I have been a neglectful doggie-mommy. Poor little Sydney was not brought in to the groomer's in quite some time and as a result, when I brought him in this morning, I was told his hair would be cut QUITE short. Blade #9 on the shears short. AND it would take the full 3 hours. So this is the result...

Okay, I will warn you. This is going to be odd. But let me explain myself first!

I wanted to add a picture to my last post and thought of finding a picture of a fetus floating in the womb. You know, something very Discovery Channel-ish.

Granted, there were a few beautiful pictures of fetuses. But I thought these provoked much more... oh I don't even know the word to add here...

Let me just show you.




This is apparently a creative way to make cookies for the soon-to-be big brother or big sister! I just don't know how much it will really explain to them how a baby is growing in mommy's belly.




Perhaps a fetus doll will help!





Or maybe a key chain that shows the fetus inside mommy's belly. Little kid's love key chains...

Some people just have way too much time on their hands. Or maybe that's just me...

Walking into the Reproductive Endocrinologist’s office was a little daunting.

A woman was walking out as we went in. I normally look people in the eyes as I pass them. Another couple came in when we were in the waiting room. I don't look them in the eye.

It’s a strange thing. I mean, normally you go into a doctor’s office and there us relative anonymity.

Even at a gyno’s office.

Not here.

Everyone knows why you are there.

Everyone knows that you cannot conceive.

It’s like this shameful club. Your secret is out. You can hide the fact all you want from the rest of the world.

“No children yet. Someday…”

“No, we haven’t had any kid’s yet. We’ve only been married for two years…”

But you cannot hide the secret here.

And you don’t know what to expect when you enter the doors:
Will this become one of my biggest triumphs to date?
Or one of my biggest heartbreaks?

And you don’t look the other people in the eye. Do you look at them with a secret knowing? You know that you don’t want to be met with eyes filled with pity.

This evening I went with a couple girlfriends to the Phoenix Film Festival. We saw the movie produced by Virginia Madsen and directed by her mother Elaine. It was a documentary about women, strong women, vibrant women, women full of life. It was a documentary about old women.

They women portrayed were phenomenal- all beautiful, with eyes full of wisdom. Eyes that say "I know the secret... And I know you have to experience it for yourself." These were spunky, spitfires like Eartha Kitt and Lauren Hutton, who says she is "just lookin' for a little trouble" with a twinkle in her eye. They were athletes: water skiing champions (currently, that is) at the age of 95... NINETY FIVE! Yoga instructors and ballroom dancers. And let me say- not a ballroom dancers in the sense that she moved slow or couldn't get kicks quite as high as she used to- this woman was phenomenal and had better legs than I think I ever have... They were social activists who paved the path for us younger women. The were mayors of cities, restrauntuers, singers, actresses, poets, writers and painters. They were passionate about their interests, intelligent, constantly learning new things, lovers of life and lovers of sex! Every one of these women embrace their age and embrace their wrinkles. They earned the lines on their faces and each one tells a story.

These women are who I want to be- not just when I am 88, but now! I want to get to that age and not just not regret letting things hold me back, but to still be looking forward and still accomplishing all that life has to offer me. I want to get to that age and still love the life I have and still want more.





Pictures from the Q&A afterward, where Virginia and her mother Elaine answered questions from the audience.

So I got the official news today that 100mg of Clomid does not make me ovulate.

No kidding.

I am so tired of running in ovulation circles. Four rounds of Clomid + A year and a half of trying to conceive = No results, and what is worse, No Answers.

I finally scheduled an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I have to be honest- I am not excited for this. I should be... this is their specialty! If anyone can get me pregnant, an RE can, right?

But the ever present cloud that hangs over my head isn't clearing up. There is still the depressive worry/anxiety: What if this takes FOREVER only to find that I simply can't ever get pregnant?

I was washing the dishes several nights back and I felt the fear. I can say it actually gripped my heart. What if I never become pregnant? What if I never become a mother? What if I never get to experience the joys and frustrations of pregnancy? What if I never get to see my belly grow and feel the flutters of a baby growing inside me?

What if we end up one of those childless couples, growing old together, but never having the fulfillment of raising the next generation?

So I stopped feeling. I stopped feeling the worry. I stopped feeling the excitement. I stopped feeling my heart get all mushy when I see an adorable child. I stopped feeling sad when I pass a daycare and all the mommy's and daddy's are picking their kiddo's up for the evening. It is easier to not feel it.

So we shall see what this next doctor will say. What tests they will give me. What drugs they will give me. We shall see what results.

I need a new name for my blog. Any ideas?

It is the last day for March Madness. Despite the fact that Rick has told me, in length, all the details of the games, players, teams, yadayada, I could not relay one bit of information back to you!
Friends are coming over today to watch with us (and by "us" I really mean Rick). My main excitement is the friends coming over part. I am grilling Fillet Mignon's wrapped in bacon (I'm thinking of marinating it in this Blood Orange Olive Oil I picked up the other day a a local olive mill), chicken breast (I'm not yet sure what I will do with this- perhaps marinate in Italian dressing), and portabello mushrooms (I'm sure just drizzled in olive oil- perhaps the same as the steaks?). We also have snackies- chips and peanuts. For some reason Rick is really into peanuts lately. I think it is from when he went to the Spring Training baseball game the other day. I'm going to make some baby red potatoes- perhaps grill them as well- and mix it with some fried leeks. And a salad. With my favorite secret dressing that Rick is not allowed to know the ingredients. Mmmmm....
But first I am going to go shoot some hoops with Rick at the park (random, right?) and wash my dog!
Happy Saturday everyone!! (All three of you who read this-lol!)

I sse the wierdest things when I drive. Like when I when I saw the man running in a very Lords-a-Leaping sort of way trying to keep his pants up. Or when I saw the woman meditating on the bus stop bench. Little sights of randomness that put a smile on my face. Or a quizzical, confused look...

Yesterday, on the freeway, I passed one of those Highway Patrol trucks. In front of it was a nice Lexus. The owner walked around the car... topless. He was dressed in nice slacks, a dressy belt, nice shoes. But no shirt. Really nice body- defined arms, built chest, gorgeous shoulders. I just seemed so out of place. Why shirtless? Random...

Today, on the same freeway, I saw another Highway Patrol truck. This time in front of it, a woman sat on the railing that lined road with two of those shopping bags, the ones that are brightly multi-colored and woven. Like the ones you find in Mexico. Who was that woman? Why was she sitting on the edge of the freeway. Just sitting there, slouching, with her hands in her lap. Random...

Sunday evening Rick asks me if I have Tuesday evening free… sometimes I have to work, and as it so happened, I had something scheduled. I asked him why? “Well I made plans. You’ll definitely want to go to this.” Okay…

So I reschedule my appointment, but the question remained: What did he plan? Dinner plans? He wouldn’t make such a big deal out of just dinner. St. Patty’s Day festivities? He wouldn’t make me reschedule work for St. Patrick’s Day. I had to get to the bottom of it… “What should I wear? Should I dress up?” “Well, a little bit, probably.” Okay, that didn’t help much.

I texted him the next day, “Are we going there with people?” He responds, “There will be people there.” Now he’s making a game out of this.

That night I ask him, “Are you taking me to Flogging Molly?” It’s a local Irish band that always sells out on March 17th. “No!” he chuckles. “Are you taking me to Cavalia?!?” It’s the show that’s supposed to be like Cirque du Soleil with pretty Arabian Horses. Oh! I have been dying to see this and I have been talking about it for some time. “What’s that? I mean, maybe…” Hm. Obviously not Cavalia. I threw out a few more ideas. He wasn’t budging an inch.

Soooo…. Suspense was killing me and I still did not know what to wear! He told me 30 minutes before we left that evening- to give me enough time to dress appropriately.

He took me to RENT!!! I was so shocked. I had no idea that he was remotely interested in musicals. About half way through the play, he leans over and whispers “I didn’t know the whole thing was going to be singing!”

Well, sometimes the only consistent thing about me is inconsistency. I was consistent in my blogging, and then inconsistency hit me again and I have neglected it. Anyways...

What has happened with my goal of weekly meal planning, you ask? I was really good for two whole Sundays in a row. But the last two Sundays I did no meal planning whatsoever. Again... the inconsistency elf struck me and I was rendered useless! But I will start this practice again next week. I will keep starting over until it is finally a regular thing.

I was also rendered useless by the inconsistency elf in the shiny sink goal. I didn't blog about it, but my other goal was to make my sink shiny every night before I went to bed. And waking up to a clean sink (and kitchen in general because once you do your sink it is just natural to continue) is a great way to start your day! Well, Shiny Sink Success tonight!!

So, here's to consistency and starting over!!

Friday I started my second attempt at Clomid at 100mg. Well, technically this is my fourth attempt at Clomid in general. I have to do another round of the 100mg because I didn't go in to get my labs done after the first time. You see, Clomid is supposed to make you ovulate. After so many days, you get labs drawn to see if that dosage stimulated those little eggs. I got sick and didn't go in. Fail! So when I went Friday to talk to Dr. Muniz, she recommended that I do another round at that dose. Boo! I asked her if we could go up to 150mg anyways... I mean, my pregnancy test was negative so that means I probably didn't ovulate, right?!? Answer was still no. Double boo! We could risk over-stimulating the follicles. Again, Boo!
So here we go again... 100mg. This process is still at such an early stage I feel like I am just wasting time. I mean, another month (technically more due to all the crazy day-counting you have to do) has gone by and no baby and no advancement in the process. I'm ready to move on and really make something happen. At this point we are jumping through the pointless hoops. Perhaps I am wrong; Rick thinks I am worrying for nothing. Maybe I will get pregnant off of Clomid. But there is something inside me that's telling me this isn't it. But maybe I'll be proven wrong!

Yay! Another week of accomplishment!! yesterday I made a few meals and prepped for more. Meals for the week are:
1. Meatballs over Egg Noodles with Mushroom Sauce. I used a packet for the sauce. It tasted great but I could tell it wouldn't be enough because Rick always likes ALOT of sauce. So I added a can of cream of mushroom. I also added some real mushrooms (I'm sure the mushrooms in the cream of moshroom were real at some point) and it tastes great! Potatoes on the side.
2. Frittata. I love frittatas. It's an egg dish. You start out with what ever ingredients you want in an oven proof skillet, then add the eggs. Let it set on the bottom, then you put it in the oven until the top is finished. Ingredients I added were: Italian season ground turkey, leeks, garlic, spinach. I add the spinach last and let it wilt over the heat. I top it all with fresh grated parmesan. Yum!
3. Turkey Sloppy Joes. Everything is ready for me to throw in the crockpot!
4. Broccoli and Cheese Stuffed Chicken Breasts. The trick to a stuffed breast is a meat mallet. Please it's kinda fun. :) I'll serve rice or potatoes on the side.
5. Bacon-wrapped Filet Mignon. Mmmmm... need I say more? Plenty of available sides to go along with it. Maybe some thyme peas.
I did my grocery shopping Sunday morning, which is a pretty good time to go because many people are at church then. I have to admit though, I almost lost motivation to do any meal prepping affter that- I laid out on my hammock most of the day, then did a little shopping with my step sister. I didn't start my cooking project until after 7pm... after a little nap. I was pretty tired, but I am so glad I did it- little sense of accomplishment!

I am so proud of myself this week. Sunday afternoon I took stock of everything that was in my cupboards, pantry fridge and freezer. I then planned out my meals for a week... I even prepped most of it that afternoon!
Monday Dinner: I had some chicken breasts thawed. I also had some leftover Tangy Mango Thyme sauce. So, on Sunday, I threw it in the crock pot and added some cooking wine. Served it with couscous and green beans; over the beans I drizzled my secret sauce. (A secret because Rick can never know the ingredients- he LOVES this dressing and has no idea that one of the ingredients is something he detests!)
Tuesday Dinner: On Sunday I made up some turkey burgers. I had dinner rolls in the freezer to use for buns, so I made the burgers small. I broiled the burgers until almost the point of perfection, so that when I heated them up in the toaster oven on Tuesday, it would be cooked to perfection. Again, used an ingredient that Rick hates. He told me four times how much he LOVED these turkey burgers.
Wednesday Dinner: Tuna steaks grilled. I didn't have to prep anything for this on Sunday. Just rub some freshly ground pepper into the steak and grilled for 3 minutes on each side on high to medium high. Served this with broccoli (again with the secret dressing drizzled on top) and white rice.
So at this point I don't have the rest of the meals prepped... But I know what I will be making. It's still all planned!
This is one of my new goals: To plan meals each week, ensuring healthy eating and not overspending on ingredients I never end up using or on take out! My inspiration is my friend Katy. She works constantly and has a young child, and yet every week she plans her meals out and preps it ALL in one day. She not only plans out dinners, but lunches for herself, her child, and her husband. She buys fruits and vegetables for these lunches and portions them all out for the week. So when she puts together lunch boxes the night before, all she literally has to do is pull a little baggy out and through it in the lunch box. I am in awe. And she does this every week. So my goal is to become more like Katy in this regard. My thought is, if I can get in this kind of routine before I have children... well transition of little ones will be that much easier. I have a ways to go, I know. But I think this week has been a good start to this goal.

Oh! I am also writing down all of our most-used products, brand names and all, as I go grocery shopping. I will consolidate this all into a master list, and as I use up items out of the fridge, pantry, etc. I will check it off on my list... One more way to make my life organized!!

I spent much of my adolescent years hearing of the return of Christ. Having been very close to a few of my more fanatical family members, the reality of Christ returning for his faithful was ever present. A normal part of conversation, even. “Well when the Lord returns…” As though he were a friend on extended holiday. Christian singers sang about it. “Jesus is coming, people be ready…” Conversations about what it would be like… “If I am driving will my car go off the road?” “Will I just vanish or will I float to heaven?” It was constant in my face that Jesus was coming to rapture me, as a believer, ANY DAY NOW. That Jesus was going to return was a REALITY.

I was essentially taught to look forward with great relief of that day. People talked about how they couldn’t wait to be rid of this evil world and sinful body. It was supposed to be rapturous to be with Christ. Except that I resented it… It was supposed to take place any day now, and yet I couldn’t stop myself from feeling that I would be missing out on things in this life. I would never reach past these early awkward teen years. I would never grow real breasts. I would never experience love, or marriage, or parenthood. I secretly resented it. Secretly, because if brought those thoughts up I would be reminded that the love of Christ would be so wonderful I wouldn’t even think about those other things; they would become inconsequential. So I really shouldn’t worry about it now. I was being rather selfish to care more about my own life than to want to be for all eternity with my Lord and maker. Selfish. So I spent my adolescence not thinking past a couple more years… I didn’t think I had a future to really be that vested in. I was selfish. And resentful. I resented that God would take from me my chance to be a mother. Why couldn’t he wait a few more years? But even a few more years seemed like eternity. Armageddon was destined to take place whether I was ready or not. Armageddon didn’t care if I was a mother yet.

A couple decades have gone by now since I was a naïve, gullible young teen. My dream of being a mother hasn’t changed. My beliefs of Christ and Armageddon and the rapture have all changed dramatically. It’s all taken way too factually. For now I know that Armageddon was never a literal thing, rather a figurative event; a figurative event that is now taking place in my womb. The battle between good and evil. The battle between life and non-life. The battle between fertility and infertility. It is all the same battle. And, as the clock of Christ’s return has been replaced with the biological clock, the question still remains of whether or not I will have time to become a mother.

I have 2 confessions. First- I am totally obsessed with watching shows like Real Housewives... of the OC, of the big A, of the hotlanta... And shows like Life in the Fab Lane, Jon&Kate (she is amazing!), La Ink, Girls Next Door, and every other "reality" shows that depict women as the impossible ideal of womanhood in our century. Women who are motivated, powerful, hustle that dollar, glamorous, mothers, wives, in control of their fast lives. Who find their inner talent and capitalize on it. They are involved in everything from real estate to tattooing; from fashion to mothering. Who succeed in the boardroom, bedroom, classroom. These women are perfectly beautiful and toned. Their nails are always done. Their homes are perfectly kept; mostly by their housekeepers, of course, but some are just that organized. They have these totally amazing lives.


Confession number two: I want to be one when I grow up. They are the epitome of how I imagine how my life should be. I want to always look my best. I want endless amount of energy and consistent drive that leads me to making loads of dough. I want my passions to make me money. I want my home perfectly organized and sparkling clean. I want to be svelte and perfectly toned. I want my nails always done and my hair always sexy. I want a big, beautiful home and a luxury car. I want the beautiful children and amazing vacations. I want the brand names and gorgeous clothes. But I think it's the drive that what I want most. Because, depsite their inevitable faults, they have the energy and motivation and determination that I seem to be lacking. What I am most envious of, is the inner strength that propels you to make your own dreams come true...

Well. Here we are. I am guessing I should start my blog by explaining why I want to start a blog. To tell you the truth, I don't have a clear reason, a clear vision, a clear theme. I've thought about it for months. Perhaps, part of my reason is simply to jump on the blogwagon. Perhaps I feel the need for an open forum to explain myself, explore myself, expose myself. A way to say to the world in written word, what I never seem to be able to say out loud. Perhaps I need a way review and understand my history. Or delve into the depths of my emotions. Or, maybe, I just want to write... About silly things. Trivial and mundane. Creative and inspired things.
Hmm... I guess we shall see how this blog takes form.