A Gemini's Life

The past couple days I have felt anxious, scared, excited, nervous, thrilled, panicky, giddy. All at the same time. I find out in a few days if the in vetro has worked and whether or not I am pregnant. I'm scared to allow myself to feel too excited, to feel pregnant. 100 "what-if's" run through my head. I get worried that I might do something to impede the embryos from implanting. I had a bite of chocolate the other day (caffeine is a no-no), did I laugh to hard during that movie, was that too heavy to lift?? I am so terrified that I am going to do something that will screw up my embryos chances of surviving and thriving. While talking to my Aunt Christine, it dawned on: this feeling that I am going to do something to screw up my (potential) child will never go away. Welcome to parenthood? 

But that is assuming I am pregnant in the first place. Sometimes I could swear I am. My boobs hurt. I'm soooo tired. And cranky. And weepy. And I get these overwhelming feelings of happiness and love. And I swear I had heartburn yesterday (could have been the bites of chili peppers quesadilla I had). But is all this in my imagination because I have heard countless women recall their own experiences?

It's easy to say  "just think positive." I try. and, honestly, I mostly do really well in staying positive. But I also don't want to be in denial by not acknowledging all the thoughts roaming around in my heart. In the meantime, I am keeping myself busy with a variety of projects at home and with the business.

So, annoying patient that I am, I called back and asked to speak to her. The cells experience fragmentation- teeny portions of the cells have split off of the nucleated part of the cell. It is unclear how fragmentation may impact development, that's why they grade them.
#1 has little to no fragmentation

#2 has a small degree of fragmentation


and #3 has moderate fragmentation

They discard anything below a #3 as it is too poor a quality to make a viable pregnancy. They transfer or freeze the #1 and #2 embryos. She said that by Wed some of the #2's may even improve and become #1's. She said the important thing is that they all have the correct number of cells. Learn something new every day!

I feel better knowing what it all means. The whole process is incredibly fascinating to me. 

What the hell am I doing here? 

Why is this seat so damn hard? Did i position everything on the bike right? Maybe I should ask someone... Oh shoot, they're starting.

Hmm... this isn't so bad...

Increase the resistance? oh no... Oh, I guess a quarter turn of the knob isn't so bad.

I don't know why everyone complains so much about this. It's not so bad.

Geesh these seats are hard.

Wow, look at the old lady go! She's really in shape for 99!

Increase resistance a half turn... Oo! Felt that!

My butt is really getting sore.

Okay, in a groove now. This is alright.

Good lord that man is sweaty! It's dripping from his elbows!!

Stand while I cycle??? Is that even possible??

My toes hurt!

OH MY GOD WE ARE ONLY HALF WAY THRU???????

Pretty sure I'm gonna have calluses on my sit-bones.

Increase the resistance AGAIN??

How can that man sweat so much?? He looks like he just jumped out of a pool!

Whoa.... I think I just blacked out a little.

Gramma hasn't slowed down a bit. Geesh I'm pathetic.

I think my butt is numb.

Oh shit, I almost fell off....

Is this even healthy?

Yesterday morning I got a call from the Embriologist at the fertility clinic that NINE eggs have been fertilized!!! Okay, before you panic and imagine us going crazy with a crowd of multiples ~ they don't transplant all nine embryos. In three more days they will transplant at the most 2 "blastocysts." The number of fertilized eggs may reduce by tomorrow - they won't all necessarily "make it." Or there could be more because they retrieved 13 eggs on Friday. But on the day of transplant they will choose the best of the eggs ~ the ones that will have the best chance of surviving once transplanted. There is always that chance that, once transplanted, they won't attach to the uterine wall lining and we would have to start over. Well, almost over, because they will freeze the rest of the eggs. 

I'm really looking forward to hearing from the Embriologist tomorrow about the status of my little embies. My nurse told me that she often names the embies. I told Rick we may have to go with whatever she names them because we never agree on a name. ;)

I don't even know where to start. Rick and I have been doing IVF - in vetro fertilization. I was hesitant to say anything about it on my blog. There are a dozen reasons why, none of them really matter all that much. Mostly, I think, because this feels like such a private experience. But I have gone through so many emotions and have had so many thoughts in the past few weeks, I can't hold it in any longer.

Let's fast forward for a moment...

Egg retrieval is this week. I am on the cusp for becoming pregnant. It is such a surreal experience, I fail to find words for it. In appx. 12 hours I will be given a trigger shot of HCG that will cause my body to ovulate all the eggs being produced by the hormone shots I have been giving myself for the past few weeks (more on those later). Exactly 36 hours after my trigger shot, I will be put under and the doctor will "harvest" my eggs. Those lucky little ladies will be fertilized and 5 days later 2 of the best and brightest will be transferred to their home for the next 9 months. 

Eek!!