A Gemini's Life

Had a horrible dream last night. I dreamed that Rick and I were both in possession of guns and I had apparently accidentally killed someone with mine, although the act was not part of the dream. In the dream guns were illegal and so we were prosecuted and the sentence was death. Someone came with a giant revolving machine gun while we were sleeping. I was to go first, as my crime was greater. I begged and pleaded to spare our lives. we did not know they were illegal and had been given to us and the death was an unfortunate accident. I was terrified beyond belief as the giant machine gun was pointed directly at me. All she (it was strangely a short older woman with short manly hair) had to do was pull the trigger. She reluctantly acquiesced, but only temporarily. A date was set when we were to die. I tried to find a lawyer to defend us. no one knew what we could do. Meanwhile life went on and we hid this terrible secret of our soon-to-be death. Ironic that the sentence for having a gun would be to die by gun. I wasn't left with any closure by the time I woke up. I don't know if we were cleared or killed. That's typical for dreams. And plus, we don't have closure yet for our current circumstance. The meaning is pretty obvious, given what we are going through. Perhaps the connections are not direct, but the tone and feeling behind it is connected.

I just want closure so I can stop thinking about this and move on.

I changed my appointment to Monday morning for the second ultrasound. The more time goes by, the more pissed off I am. why in the world would EVERYTHING look so perfect and the embryo just not develop?? It just does not make sense to me. I have a billion questions for the doctor and I really want him to be wrong in his diagnosis of a miscarriage- not just so I have a viable pregnancy, but so I can point at him and say, "Ha! You big jerk! You were WRONG!!" Plus, I just don't want to have to go through this all again. We didn't have any embies that were viable to be frozen, so we are literally starting from scratch. Ugh. That means weeks of shots, following complicated med schedules, and the emotional roller coaster of waiting for test results. I can tell you that when i do the blood tests I won't be NEARLY as excited if my numbers are good- clearly it doesn't make that much of a difference.

It actually reminds me of something I used to say to foster parents when they were in the process of adopting a foster child: "The child is not yours until you stand before the judge and your papers are signed." It sounded cruel, and they always reacted with a look of shock. The child, after all had been in their homes for probably a couple years and had grown to be as much a part of the family as a birth child, the case plan was adoption and there seemed to be no blocks in the road. But the reality was always that something could happen- a relative could pop up out of no where, the birth parent could appeal and makes their lives a living hell (and in some cases still actually win after all that drama). The point being- everything can seem to be perfect and something can happen that will ruin EVERYTHING. You set your eyes and heart on a hope and get rooted in that hope and you are crushed.

Bottom line: I am highly disappointed at this outcome. And if the diagnosis is confirmed on Monday I will still be highly disappointed. But I will shake the dust off and continue walking forward. I guess it is time to take my own advise I dish out to others: Keep walking forward, even when it feels like you are standing still.

I am just not really feeling the Christmas spirit yet. I don't understand why, as normally Xmas is my absolute favorite season of the year. Normally, I love decorating my tree and house and getting festive. But my tree stands there staring at me- completely undecorated, and I still procrastinate adorning it with my beautiful ornaments. There are no decorations throughout my house. The lights are not strung on the outside. What the hell is the matter with me? I feel so unmotivated to get into the Christmas spirit...

Has finally hit! It started yesterday- 6 weeks on the dot. So far (knock on wood) it hasn't been totally overwhelming- just enough to make me uncomfortable. No vomiting or complete loss of appetite. It comes and goes throughout the day. I told Rick yesterday and his response was "Congratulations!" Lol. I suppose it is a sort of accomplishment- another sign that things are right on track?! I can't wait to get that reassurance Monday morning by hearing the heartbeat(s)!

Every few days they test my HcG levels to determine if the pregnancy is moving along at a good rate. My levels have been described by my nurse as "Beautiful!" When asked for more details- i.e. does it imply one or two embryos, all she responds is that things are moving along the way they are supposed to be. I will have to be content with that until Monday when we do our first ultrasound!