ovulation circles
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So I got the official news today that 100mg of Clomid does not make me ovulate.
No kidding.
I am so tired of running in ovulation circles. Four rounds of Clomid + A year and a half of trying to conceive = No results, and what is worse, No Answers.
I finally scheduled an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I have to be honest- I am not excited for this. I should be... this is their specialty! If anyone can get me pregnant, an RE can, right?
But the ever present cloud that hangs over my head isn't clearing up. There is still the depressive worry/anxiety: What if this takes FOREVER only to find that I simply can't ever get pregnant?
I was washing the dishes several nights back and I felt the fear. I can say it actually gripped my heart. What if I never become pregnant? What if I never become a mother? What if I never get to experience the joys and frustrations of pregnancy? What if I never get to see my belly grow and feel the flutters of a baby growing inside me?
What if we end up one of those childless couples, growing old together, but never having the fulfillment of raising the next generation?
So I stopped feeling. I stopped feeling the worry. I stopped feeling the excitement. I stopped feeling my heart get all mushy when I see an adorable child. I stopped feeling sad when I pass a daycare and all the mommy's and daddy's are picking their kiddo's up for the evening. It is easier to not feel it.
So we shall see what this next doctor will say. What tests they will give me. What drugs they will give me. We shall see what results.
No kidding.
I am so tired of running in ovulation circles. Four rounds of Clomid + A year and a half of trying to conceive = No results, and what is worse, No Answers.
I finally scheduled an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I have to be honest- I am not excited for this. I should be... this is their specialty! If anyone can get me pregnant, an RE can, right?
But the ever present cloud that hangs over my head isn't clearing up. There is still the depressive worry/anxiety: What if this takes FOREVER only to find that I simply can't ever get pregnant?
I was washing the dishes several nights back and I felt the fear. I can say it actually gripped my heart. What if I never become pregnant? What if I never become a mother? What if I never get to experience the joys and frustrations of pregnancy? What if I never get to see my belly grow and feel the flutters of a baby growing inside me?
What if we end up one of those childless couples, growing old together, but never having the fulfillment of raising the next generation?
So I stopped feeling. I stopped feeling the worry. I stopped feeling the excitement. I stopped feeling my heart get all mushy when I see an adorable child. I stopped feeling sad when I pass a daycare and all the mommy's and daddy's are picking their kiddo's up for the evening. It is easier to not feel it.
So we shall see what this next doctor will say. What tests they will give me. What drugs they will give me. We shall see what results.
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