A Gemini's Life

Sick to my stomach. This anxiety that builds up in me. Fear of failure. Fear of mediocrity. Fear of average. Fear of being a loser. Fear of sucking. I suck. I suck. I suck. That's what goes through my brain. There's this little voice- no, not an audible voice- that tells me when I do something wrong and how I did it wrong and why I suck. Then in my fear of sucking, I retreat into myself. It doesn't propel me forward to conquer, like it does for some people. No, I withdraw. If I interact less, I will piss people off less. If I do less, I will fail less. Then I won't suck. Only, it sucks to not do anything but lay around and watch TV, and that makes me suck. Then, once the fear of sucking is fully established, comes the paranoia that people will actually realize that I suck. I can't fool them anymore. God, that sucks! They see my mistakes. They know that I fail at everything. They know that I'm a loser. They definitely know that I suck. Being fully established in suckdom and paranoia-world, molehills become mountains. Snowballs become avalanches. Small tasks become completely overwhelming. I overreact to everything because I have become over-sensitive to everything said to me. Everything is an insult. Everyone knows I suck. I suck.

This is my spiral. I'll pull through and return to normal me. It only happens once every few years and I somehow get slapped back into reality. The reality that I actually kick ass. I'll get back there...