A Gemini's Life

I spent much of my adolescent years hearing of the return of Christ. Having been very close to a few of my more fanatical family members, the reality of Christ returning for his faithful was ever present. A normal part of conversation, even. “Well when the Lord returns…” As though he were a friend on extended holiday. Christian singers sang about it. “Jesus is coming, people be ready…” Conversations about what it would be like… “If I am driving will my car go off the road?” “Will I just vanish or will I float to heaven?” It was constant in my face that Jesus was coming to rapture me, as a believer, ANY DAY NOW. That Jesus was going to return was a REALITY.

I was essentially taught to look forward with great relief of that day. People talked about how they couldn’t wait to be rid of this evil world and sinful body. It was supposed to be rapturous to be with Christ. Except that I resented it… It was supposed to take place any day now, and yet I couldn’t stop myself from feeling that I would be missing out on things in this life. I would never reach past these early awkward teen years. I would never grow real breasts. I would never experience love, or marriage, or parenthood. I secretly resented it. Secretly, because if brought those thoughts up I would be reminded that the love of Christ would be so wonderful I wouldn’t even think about those other things; they would become inconsequential. So I really shouldn’t worry about it now. I was being rather selfish to care more about my own life than to want to be for all eternity with my Lord and maker. Selfish. So I spent my adolescence not thinking past a couple more years… I didn’t think I had a future to really be that vested in. I was selfish. And resentful. I resented that God would take from me my chance to be a mother. Why couldn’t he wait a few more years? But even a few more years seemed like eternity. Armageddon was destined to take place whether I was ready or not. Armageddon didn’t care if I was a mother yet.

A couple decades have gone by now since I was a naïve, gullible young teen. My dream of being a mother hasn’t changed. My beliefs of Christ and Armageddon and the rapture have all changed dramatically. It’s all taken way too factually. For now I know that Armageddon was never a literal thing, rather a figurative event; a figurative event that is now taking place in my womb. The battle between good and evil. The battle between life and non-life. The battle between fertility and infertility. It is all the same battle. And, as the clock of Christ’s return has been replaced with the biological clock, the question still remains of whether or not I will have time to become a mother.